Agonotheta

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December 29, 2003

Eve of New Years Eve

Sorry I haven't been updating regularly. I've had a few days off and have had my mind on relaxing and not thinking about computers and the internet. But, I should get better at it this week.

Well, it has been a very strange few days for me. So instead of just telling you with words, I'll show you with pictures and do a little narrating along the way.

December 23, 2003

Public Sector X-Mas Bonus

I just got home and its only 3:30 in the afternoon. Why, you ask? Because my boss decided we should go home. Actually, I left at 2, but had to run a couple of errands on my way.

One of my stops was at the liquor store to pick up my share of the alcohol for my sisters' party in a couple days. Its going to be sweet! Lets just say: hot tub, long island iced tea, and possibly a few future ex-girlfriends.

December 23, 2003

Commitment vs. Interest Retention

Is it weird that I can't picture myself in a long-term relationship with anybody? Don't most people "see" themselves with somebody? At least in their mind even if it never comes to fruition?

Its not that I can't commit. When I have a girlfriend, she is the only thing I can think about. My mind is typically consumed by her and nothing else. The problem isn't the committal, but the length of time that my interest will be retained. I am an all or nothing person. I do something 100% or not at all. The problem with this is that I burn out over time. Eventually, the same thing gets very boring to me. In fact, the three longest relationships I have had lasted 18 months, 25 months, and 14 months. To me, these seem really weak. I mean, I'm 25 years-old. I should be mature enough to handle a relationship longer than two years, shouldn't I?

I know that I have broken up or stopped dating girls for reasons varying from the way she held my head (or the "headlock" as I used to call it) when we kissed to another girl who didn't touch me at all when we kissed (besides the mouth, of course).

What's the solution? I don't know. I know what you're thinking faithful reader, that maybe my Boredom Tolerance Meter will gain some endurance with maturity. But I'm not sure I want it to. Why should I have to accept boredom as an alternative to a fun life? Am I looking at this completely wrong? Please correct me if I am. You married and committal types, please correct where I've erred.

On a side note, I just heard a few days ago that the "wrestling" girlfriend had gotten married. I feel bad for that guy. He's going to be one sore puppy!

December 21, 2003

Insomnia

Defined: Noun. prolonged and usually abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep.
Etymology: Latin for sleepless sleep.

Thank you Merriam-Webster. Bitch.

December 19, 2003

The End of An Anchor

By Chris Carrabba

December 18, 2003

A Marathon

I have been competing, as of late, in a marathon of sorts. In my case, it hasn't been the usual running type. But, the kind where you sit, or lie, rather, in some foreign place holding your mouth in some odd, yawning position enduring the uneasy comfort of novocaine. Yesterday, I managed to withstand about 3 hours of this self-imposed cell, or hell, as it were. Its an interesting conundrum, because its self-imposed in more ways than one. First, it was my dental hygiene that put me in that chair. Nobody else's. Second, I am not now, nor have been in any pain in years. So, I'm willingly putting myself in a chair to PREVENT future pain, inevitable as it is.

Amidst all of this, I can't help but be happy with the outcome and feel that it was worth every dollar/minute of dry-lipped, eye-twitching fun. When I go back in 3 weeks and get my temporary crowns taken out and replaced with porcelain(?) permanent ones, my entire bottom half of my mouth will be in perfect shape. It looks very good already, but when complete, it will look as if I have a perfect set of teeth on the bottom half. All the fillings are white to match my teeth. I have no cavities, no gaping holes in teeth that scrape my tongue and trap food. It makes me wonder what kind of pain people used to be in back in the day. I also feel grateful that I was born when I was.

** Written a couple of months ago but never posted. **

December 17, 2003

The Return of the King

I don't know exactly what to say. I just got home from seeing The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It's 4:20 in the morning and I can barely see straight to type.

My reason for doing so, though, is to let you all know that you must see this movie as fast as humanly possible. I should, but probably won't, be at work in less than four hours, and you should as you read this be making plans with yourself to see it.

I'm not sure if that came out the way I intended it to, but I think you get the point. Let's make a deal. I won't come back tomorrow after I get up and fix any grammatical errors. Nor will I attempt to write better structured, more illustrative sentences, if you promise to go see this movie as soon as orcly possible. (I think I'm going to rue this deal.) One stipulation, however, if you don't comment that after reading this post you made plans, then our deal is off and I can revisit this.

Deal? Deal.

You won't regret it. I don't want to ruin anything for anybody, so I will just say that this movie is on a whole different level than anything you've ever seen. Watching this movie is on par with watching Gone With The Wind back in 1932 or '29 or whenever it was released. You are witnessing cinematic history.

'Nough said.

December 16, 2003

Trino

There's an old man who is a janitor at my work. My guess is that he's circa 60 years young. He works harder than anybody in the building. He's here when I arrive. He's here when I leave. He has eight kids. The oldest of which is 34. The youngest is 17. All but the youngest have children. He doesn't hear very well. I would say more than half of my words fall on deaf ears.

I don't know how long he has worked for the school district, but I would imagine at least fifteen years. He empties my garbage and vacuums my crumbs everyday. At the top of his payscale, he makes two-thirds what I make in my first year.

Something is wrong with this.

December 16, 2003

My Greatest Accomplishment

One day when I was seventeen I stayed home sick from school. I lay on the couch in misery over something I've since forgotten. As I flipped through channel after channel of daytime soap operas, talk shows and otherwise monotonous drivel, I stumbled upon a program on a public television channel about Jazz music.

The first half of the program discussed the history of jazz*. What started as African-American slaves keeping beats and singing songs in the field to keep their spirits up turned into the only true form of music to be born in the United States. Many of our modern types of music originate with Jazz. It truly is the American sound.

The second half disected the sounds of jazz and focused on the essential parts of the jazz band. They explained that the rhythm section of a band is the drums, the piano and the upright bass. I watched the show intently, enjoying every solo performed by musicians and marveling at the finished product, where all "solos" played in perfect rhythm and harmony to create one piece of music.

It was at this moment that I decided I needed to learn to play the upright bass. The next day at school, I spoke of this to a friend of mine who was in the school orchestra (his father also happened to be the orchestra conductor). He told me that I should talk to his dad, whom I had for concert choir. I pulled him aside after class that day and told him what I had intended. He was thrilled for me to learn an instrument.

You see, my family, although having a keen ear and being able to "carry a tune," is not a musical one. My father played guitar and sang many years ago, but hasn't done so in probably 20 years. My sisters and I took piano for some indistinguishable amount of time when we were very small. Other than that, the only experience I have is singing in choirs, which I did from the age of 15 on. (I joined the choir in 9th grade with a lot of guys because the beautiful girls of the choir stood up in an assembly and asked us to. But that is a completely different post.)

Back to the story:

Arrangements were made, and by the end of the week, I was enrolled in orchestra and had taken one of the school basses home to practice. I played in the school orchestra for the rest of my junior year and all of my senior year in high school. By the time I graduated, I was "First Chair" Bass, meaning, I was the section leader and in charge of all the basses. When I went to college, I even sat in for some time during my freshman year with my college orchestra.

I'm telling this long, drawn out story for a definite reason. Last week, I bought an acoustic guitar. I did this because I decided it was time to regain that feeling that I long for of creating music. I love music. It's a huge part of my day. I listen to it all day while I work. I carry almost 2500 songs with me on my iPod everywhere I go.

There's a great quote by George Eliot that says, "I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas in to my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music." This is me. I love music. I need music.

Music is back in my life. My fingers hurt, my hand is been cramping as I type this sentence, but I love it. To me, there's no greater satisfaction in life than playing music.

What's your greatest accomplishment?

* If there are any historical inaccuracies in this, I apologize. I am going strictly off of memory, which for me, can be a very bad thing.

December 15, 2003

White-Washed Good Morning

This is what I awoke to this morning. I really do love the snow. In fact, I wish I'd wake up to this much snow everyday until the end of winter.

This is what it looks like from out of my door. It may not look like much, but in the summer, its very pretty with the trees and shrubbery and hedges that are out of frame to the left of this picture. I'll try to post a summer picture. I'm a lazy bastard, I can't help it.

I had a good weekend. It didn't involve much, but here's the rundown.

• » Erik and I hung out at my place all weekend.
• » Went to a college party and felt completely out of place with the youngins.
• » I saw a band called the Disco Drippers that a friend is in.
• » I saw Stuck on You.
• » I played far too much Grand Theft Auto III.
• » Slacked on cleaning and laundering until late Sunday night when I remembered I had no clean underwear for this morning.

December 12, 2003

Three Underdogs

Don't you love when somebody gives you free tickets to a sporting event? Tonight I'm going to the Jazz game. They're playing the Sacramento Kings.

Thank the lord its the weekend. It hasn't felt like a friday though today. I've been working my butt off. You can tell because I'm posting at 4 o'clock.

Today, I went to lunch with my department as a Christmas/Holidays Luncheon. I had the fettuccini alfredo with shrimp and roasted garlic. I'm still full.

Does anybody remember that Seinfeld episode when George had a bed built under his desk so that he could take naps?

I thought about doing that today.

December 11, 2003

Embarrassed

I am extremely ashamed.

I don't know why exactly. Well, I know what I'm ashamed of, I just don't know why it affects me the way it does.

I have a deep, dark secret that I don't want anyone to know. I don't really want to talk about it. What I do want to talk about, though, is how this secret affects me. Honestly, it eats away at me constantly. Day by day. Almost every minute of the day I think about it. It doesn't hurt because I need to talk about it. Its just that this secret really embarrasses me.

The thing is that this secret happens to people all the time. They get over it. I know that my embarrassment is completely within myself. I just can't get over it.

I hate this feeling. It is eating away at me slowly. I hope it doesn't become unhealthy. If it hasn't already.

Just the fact that I can't talk about it is really stupid to me. First, you don't even know me, so why should I care? Second, the people who read this and know me, already know my secret. I hate this. I feel like a child again.

When its time, faithful reader, I'll tell you. But not now.

I wish I could wake up and it was all just a dream.

Can you guess my secret?

December 10, 2003

Happy 61st Post!

By the way, this is my 61st post in as many days! Congratulations to me and thank you to my loyal readership. I love you too mom!

December 10, 2003

Bad Habit

I have a bad habit.

Well, actually, I have more than one. But just one that I'd like to talk about right now.

Sometimes, I really don't want to talk to somebody, but I need to talk to them. Make sense? So what do I do? I call them during a time when I know they won't be home/at work/available, etc.

I have been doing this for years and years and somehow, I've managed to get away with it unscathed. Of course, I had the occasional run-in where I was calling one of my four sisters whom I thought was busy, but received a pick-up. Its at these times when my childhood/adolescent stuttering/can't get my thoughts together kicks in. I sound really stupid, thus, hilarity ensues. I typically just tell them I wasn't prepared to have a conversation with them as I assumed they wouldn't be available and just wanted to leave a message for them to return at their convenience. This usually prompts some derision from the other end of the line. Like I said, no big deal between friends.

Not so, at the workplace. Yesterday, working late, I decided it would be a good time to call a principal. Assuming that he wouldn't be there, I was going to leave a fairly detailed message about one of his more "high-maintenance" teachers. It was already going to be a touchy situation, so my mind was preoccupied with getting my thoughts together, when all of a sudden, he picks up.

"Hello," he says.

*crickets chirping*

"Hello," he repeats.

*a tumbleweed blows through my office*

"Think quick. Think quick, you idiot." My inner 5-year-old coming out to mock me at exactly the wrong time.

Being flustered and forgetting we have caller-ID on our office phones, I hung up.

Fully anticipating it, I had a message waiting for me this morning when I sat down at my desk. I'll let you know how it goes when I get the balls to call him back.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, so fess up all you. Leave a comment letting me know when/if doing this has backfired on you.

December 09, 2003

Post-Tears and Rain

By the way, for everyone else out there, the last post was inspired by deb of smitten.

She posted a drunken poem, that was much better than mine, and asked that her readers post their drunken poems.

This was mine from a couple of months back and never ended up getting posted. Even when "under the influence" I do realize that you, faithful reader, are attempting to read and enjoy my daily musings.

But, alas, it has finally seen the light of day.

Sorry. Poetry (if you can call it that) shouldn't hurt.

P.S. Thanks to commenting on her site, my readership jumped from the 80-100 average daily hit mark to about 130 yesterday. I guess I'll have to comment there more often.

December 08, 2003

Tears and Rain Mix

If you could see my tears I'd run.

I'm not watching you to stalk you
I'm saying goodbye.

If not for this night
you would know I was here.

If not for this rain
you might see me cry.

I love the rain.
For it hides my pain.

Its so cold out tonight.
I'm shivering.

In trying to stop,
it gets worse.

I think it may be my crying
thats causing it.

I hate the cold.
I'm bitter and alone.

December 04, 2003

What Its Like To Be A Web Designer

I really appreciate this from Zeldman.

As a web designer, nothing is more frustrating than having some secretary or CEO asking for you to fill up their screen with "stuff." They don't know what. They just feel it needs something more than it has.

December 04, 2003

Workplace Remarks

• » I am the thinnest person in my department. The scary thing is, I am a man and I'm taller. I think I should weigh more than them. Yet, every other person is overweight. This is somewhat interesting to me. I hope it doesn't happen to me after 20 years of employment here.
• » I drink far too much coffee. I started drinking coffee everyday this summer when I was working 12's and needed it to do my work. You programmers out there know what I'm talking about. I don't think I could have ever gotten through my CS classes without a goodly amount of the black stuff.
• » Our departmental secretary has gotten into the bad habit of wearing workout clothes to work at least a couple of days a week. You know the kind. The top matches the bottom and it makes that annoying swoosh sound with every step she takes. I know she does it for the comfort, not because she went jogging before work (See above).
• » When I am sick of hearing office noises, i.e. phones, typing, copiers, and of course people not working, I pop in my earbuds to my iPod to drown them out. I have done this in previous jobs, but it wasn't always for the same reason.
• » This time of year, I have a hard time concentrating, no matter how much work I have. No, its not Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the plethora of days off I'll have coming up. Alas, Lord of the Rings has got me by the balls. I already have tickets to the 12:01 show, and will be leaving work early that Friday to attend an afternoon showing with the entirety of the IT Department. What a geek!
• » As, I've stated before, I'm the webmaster of a school district. For some reason, I have been placed in the Library Media Department. Thus, I call the old ladies I work with "The Librarians."
• » The "Librarian" I share an office with is a really sweet lady. She smells like vinegar.

December 02, 2003

If There's Grass On The Field . . .

Now I'm not a pervert, but I'm wondering what is the minimum age of a girl that I should date?

I'm just interested, not exactly asking for any particular reason.

I was told by a friend that you should divide your age in half and add seven.

I'm 25, so for me, that would mean 19 is the minimum age. But, whats the difference between an 18 year old and a 19 year old? More importantly, do I really want to get involved with somebody that young? I know there are somewhere between 80 and 100 visitors to my site everyday, depending on the Scarlett Johannson activity and I'm asking all of you, no matter how well I know you, to please comment on this and give me your advice.

If there are zero or one or two comments by this time tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed. All of you living out there in internet anonymity-land, here's your chance to break free from your silence. You can do it. I'm begging for your advice.

And remember, there's no reason, I'm just interested.

December 01, 2003

Thanksgiving Break Wassup

Some happenings over the holiday break:

• » In a marathon of inactivity/activity/inactivity, I drove to Las Vegas Wednesday afternoon, saw Maroon 5, walked around Vegas 'til the wee hours of the morning, then drove home the next morning.
• » I stopped in Cedar for a few minutes to say hello to former-boss/current-friend Jill, which was great.
• » Myself and several friends, for no reason whatsoever, crashed a high school straight-edge party with alcohol and the like.
• » I drank far too much over the weekend. Although, this isn't that odd an occurrence.
• » I attended a really bad cast party for a play that my friend is in. The party was bad, not the cast.
• » I slept far too much.
• » I ran into an old friend from college whom I hadn't seen since my freshman year. This was very odd because he is from NYC and its been over six years since I've seen him. More to come on this later.
• » I added a photo gallery from Las Vegas. Just a few pictures as I showed my buddy the Bellagio.

December 01, 2003

A Copy of A Copy of A Copy

Welcome back to the real world everybody! And by the real world, I mean, the sucky world where the hours tick-tock away while you slave for some boss you've never seen, nor care to, for that matter.

My boss happens to be John and Jane Q. Taxpayer and by god, I certainly don't wish to see all of you, especially this morning.

I didn't sleep all that well last night. Maybe it was my excitement for another fun-filled work week to begin this morning. Maybe my mind was carried away by daydreams (Or would it be nightdreams?(Wouldn't that just be dreams then?(But doesn't that imply sleeping?))) of my new love interest. Or maybe it was due to my now defunct sleeping schedule re-wired from the last 5 days of up-all-night partying/playing.

Today I feel quite a lot like the protagonist in Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club. Or to those of you who only saw the movie, Edward Norton. By that, I mean, at the beginning of the book when he is completely exhausted and vombie-like from insomnia. Here's an excerpt:

Thats me today.