Agonotheta

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February 27, 2004

Spring

As this frost thaws with the first rays of sun, my soul revives with the forethought of that which is to come. I shed this wintry garment along with its hopelessness and despair and welcome your brightness on my sun-thirsty skin.

I long for warmer days whose temperance fills my mind and soul with thoughts of her. So here I lie, unabashed, unashamed. Primed to be set ablaze with your mark to announce my state.

February 25, 2004

I'll See You In Hell, Turd!

The toilets at my work have the strongest flushes in the Western Hemisphere. I never knew why until today when I overheard the head custodian speaking to the devil in a bathroom stall. Apparently, the school district hired Mephistopheles to power the great flushing system that we have.

I asked the custodian why they went with the Apocalypse Millenium Edition flushing system and he said that after sending out RFP's to Beelzebub and his main competition, the Messiah Armageddon Flushing System, he felt the Apocalypse was the way to go because of the environmental differences. It seems that the Apocalypse not only takes the fecal/urine/tp matter away, but actually sends it directly to the underworld to be used as fuel to light the never-ending flames of Hell.

One downside though, this new system is so powerful that we've even had a few employees go in and never come back. But, I think its just Succubus having some fun with them. Old Lucifer sure can be a kidder.

I am happy for the Prince of Darkness, though, because apparently we have better benefits here at the district than in hell. He says they're going to through tough times and may be claiming bankruptcy soon.

February 24, 2004

I've Become One of Them . . . Gulp

Yes, I hate to say it folks, but I have become one of those people who parks far out in the parking lot where there are less cars to scratch and dent it.

Its just that I want my new car to stay as perfect as possible for as long as possible. In fact, I've decided one way is to find the nicest car in the lot and park next to it. It just makes sense to me that people with nice cars are going to be extra careful around each other. I just hope I don't get too carried away, you know?

Ooh! Gotta go, I need to do my hourly security walk around the parking lot here.

February 22, 2004

Movable Type

Well, you've undoubtedly noticed how bland and boring the site has become. Actually, that's because I have moved from Typepad to Movable Type. This made much more sense because I have full control over my templates now as well as the site structure, which for me was a major factor leading to my move.

I'd love to have a great design up, but I'm still learning the MT tags and with the move, I've had to go through every entry and make sure all the links, images, photos and the like are still functioning.

Anyway, I know its very boring right now, but I'm working on a new design, actually a few, that I think you'll like. So just bear with me for a couple of weeks.

February 21, 2004

Fight Club Quotes

"Whoa! Now you're shooting a gun at your imaginary friend near four hundred gallons of nitroglycerine."
~Tyler~

"Cut the foreplay and just ask, man."
~Tyler~

"You just had a near-life experience."
~Tyler~

"Now a question of etiquette, do I give her the ass or the crotch?"
~Tyler~

"The things you own end up owning you."
~Tyler~

"Man, you've got some f***ed up friends. Limber, though..."
~Tyler~

"We are a generation raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is the answer."
~Tyler~

"You are not how much you have in the bank.
You are not the contents of your wallet.
You are not your f***ing Khakis.
You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.
You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."
~Tyler~

"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
~Tyler~

"Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives."
~Tyler~

"I wanted to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species."
~Narrator~

"How embarrassing - a house full of condiments and no food"
~Narrator~

"We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them."
~Narrator~

"With a gun in your mouth, you speak only in vowels."
~Narrator~

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."
~Narrator~

"If I did have a tumor, I would name it Marla. Marla, the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you would stop tonguing it, but you can't."
~Narrator~

"And then... something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion -- dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom."
~Narrator~

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
~Narrator~

"Bob. Bob had bitch tits."
~Narrator~

"With insomnia, you're never really asleep; you're never really awake."
~Narrator~

Tyler: "Oh, I get it. It's very clever. How's that working out for you?"
Narrator: "What?"
Tyler: "Being clever"

Boss: "Is that your blood?"
Narrator: "Some of it, yeah."

"I felt like destroying something beautiful."
~Narrator~

"Look at you. You're f***ing pathetic!"
~Tyler Durden~

"Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go!"
~Tyler Durden~

"It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree -- so special, then, bam -- it's abandoned on the side of the road, tinsel still clinging to it. Like sex crime victims, underwear inside-out, bound with electrical tape."
~Marla~

"I haven't been f***ed like that since grade school!"
~Marla~

"I want to have your abortion."
~Marla~

"In the event of a dildo, we have to use the indefinite article 'a dildo', never 'your dildo.'"
~Airport Guy~

February 20, 2004

Wheels

I bought this on Monday. I've wanted it since mid-2001 when I read about it in a magazine. And now . . . she's mine!

For those of you who don't know what it is, its a 2004 Subaru WRX. I don't make a lot of money, but I am frugal, I budget well, and I'm single (which is a huge factor, or so I'm told). In fact, I definitely needed a new car several months ago, heck, even a couple of years ago.

The new car has these standard features:

• » Horizontally opposed 4-cylinder intercooled turbo engine packing 227 horses
• » MOMO brand leather-wrapped steering wheel
• » Power windows and locks
• » Cruise control
• » Air conditioning
• » 6-disc in-dash CD changer with cassette player
• » Projector beam foglights
• » Full-time All Wheel Drive

It also has these tasty features:

• » Rear spoiler
• » Power moonroof
• » Heated front seats
• » Heated exterior mirrors
• » Auto-dimming, compass rear-view mirror
• » Turbo gauge
• » Short throw shifter
• » Armrest extension
• » Premium Sound Package

Yes, I admit there's certainly a lot there that I don't need. But I promise I got a great deal on it. Due to my excellent negotiation skills (taught by my brother-in-law, Ted), I paid far lower than the sticker price. Oh yeah, its a great time to drive a new car.

February 19, 2004

2/19/03

What a difference a year makes.

On this day one year ago, I awoke feeling much warmer than I was physically. The reason for my above-average state-of-mind? I'll get to that.

6:30 AM

I dragged myself out of bed on this cold wintry morning, nervous for much more than my first Network Security exam. I quickly showered, dressed in a suit and tie, packed five days worth of clothes and sat down to a breakfast of a granola bar and yogurt while studying notes upon notes of Cisco and IPSec. This lasted for about ten minutes before I realized that if I didn't know it by now it was too late.

I left my apartment with my bag of clothes, my backpack, and ample time to arrive for the test and chat with a couple of friends.

8:00 AM

Let's just say this test was the last thing on my mind at the moment. I did my best to concentrate, but it was a fruitless endeavor. I was one of the first few to finish, doing so in about 30 minutes of the alotted 50. Something I would definitely have not done on a regular day.

8:35 AM

Back in my car, I was heading north to Salt Lake City, of course still wearing a suit and tie sans jacket thrown hurriedly on the backseat. I had plenty of time to get there, but with the snowy weather, I knew I would cut it close. On the way, I practiced interview questions and got my mind in order for the hands-on portion.

12:45 PM

I pull into the parking lot for a job interview. At this point, I was feeling rather lackluster and not especially "fresh" after sitting in a suit for a four hour drive. I reviewed a couple more questions, tooks some deep breathes to relax myself, retucked the shirt, put on the jacket and donned the "interview face."

1:00 PM

I am told I have one half hour to "make a web page." Who the hell can make a decent web page in a half an hour, you ask? My thoughts exactly. I remember my boss down at the university telling me once that I was one of the fastest people she's ever seen editing html (even though at the time, I think she was telling me to slow down to make sure I'm getting everything correct).

I calculate my time and decide to spend a few minutes searching the computer they sat me at for the prior interviewees webpages. This really paid off in the end I think. After all, how many people actually get to see what the others applying for the same position did with their time? While checking out their projects, I see things that are rudimentary and average. It seemed to me that everyone before me had tried simply to fill a page. I was not impressed. Thus, I took a different route.

I decided to make an online resume for myself. Answering the question they were thinking. In fact, that was my header, "Why you should hire Neil Christensen!" Flying through it as fast as possible, I made a few graphics, included some javascript rollovers to give it some "excitement", and finished up with about 5 minutes to spare.

1:30 PM

After waiting a few minutes for the interview team to be assembled, I was led to a conference room where I faced five friendly faces. The technology director, the public information officer, the budget director, the interim webmaster, and the web server adminstrator. They all asked one question of me, none of which I remember now.

I was then to show them my portfolio. I sat at a computer connected to a projector and showed them my personal website, and the few other sites I had created, worked on, and advised. It was going ok, but I knew I still needed something to put me over the edge.

They said the interview was over and asked if I had any question or comments.

"Actually, I have several of both," I said.

Opening my folder, I found a page where I made notes about their current site. I brought up about a dozen comments ranging from accessibility to usability to marketing to design. One of my favorite things I said was, "Of course, these are just some points to help you conform to the legal requirements of the federal government which you're currently in violation of. Whether or not you hire me, I felt you should know about them," cracking a small smile and barely stifling a small giggle. I then thanked them for the interview and left.

2:30 PM

My cell phone rings.

"Hello, Neil?"

"Yes," I respond.

"This is (my current boss). We'd like to offer you the webmaster position you interviewed for, but first we need to discuss how much time you'll need to arrange things with your professors."

"Uh . . . I'll have to get back to you on that," again, barely holding back screams of exultation in her ear.

There was more to it, but that is all you really need to know. She was referring to the fact that I still had three months left of college before graduation. So, I returned to school after a few days off and talked my professors into letting me either work at my own pace or sending my assignments in electronically while I worked. For the next two weeks, I worked my ass off completely finishing 3 months of work for three classes and getting things in order for the next two which needed to be done over time.

It's sort of funny to think about now, but when I was offered the position, I was so broke, but I decided to reward myself with a new CD. The funny part is that I probably buy two to three CD's a week. Funny how things change in a year.

Last year on this date, I was a broke college senior just hoping somebody would give me the chance to show how hard a worker I am and how good I am at what I do. Thankfully, I was given that chance. I was scared and I was nervous that the economy would leave me with a dead-end job or worse without one at all.

Today, I look back at all the hours, weeks, months, and years I spent putting myself in the position I am in today. I am extremely grateful for the opportunities I've been given. In fact, a couple weeks ago, I was given notice that I am going to be kept on 'til at least July of 2005 with the possibility and likelihood of being put on a continuing contract.

What a difference a year makes!

February 17, 2004

Ten

Well, I'm back from a long weekend. I had yesterday off of work for Presidents' Day. Isn't it funny how a three-day weekend is all of a sudden long? It didn't really seem that long. Actually, it seemed to go by very quickly. Well, actually, that probably has to do with my activity for two of the three days. I have a big announcement, but I'm going to wait 'til I can post a decent picture before I tell you what it is. Let me just tell you . . . Its exciting!

One cool thing I did was run 10 miles. Apparently there are mental barriers one hits when running certain distances. The only barriers I'm concerned with is five, ten and twenty miles. I remember the first time I ran five miles, I thought my lungs were going to pop right out and leave a massive hole in my chest. After that first time, it became exponentially easier to run five miles. The next big one is 10 miles. Well, I thought I was going to die about seven or eight miles in, knowing I still had two or three miles left. But my last mile was fairly easy. I even ran at my goal pace for the marathon.

Running this ten-miler was a little nerve-racking for me because last week, while running outside, I jarred my knee a bit. I stepped on a small piece of ice and slipped. Only a couple of inches, but I felt a sharp, needle-pricking-type pain in my knee. I felt it all week until the day before my long run. But miraculously as I arose the day of my run at seven in the morning, my knee felt fine. And did the entire run.

I ran up a gorgeous canyon here in my city. So I worked muscles which haven't been used in my usual jaunts around town. Needless to say, I have been sore ever since.

Someday, I'm going to take my camera with me while I run. I always see some very cool/pretty things.

February 13, 2004

PHP mail()

One of the main reasons I have not been posting everyday recently is because I was asked, or rather told, to make a web interface connected to a database on the backend for our employees to evaluate a new student information system being put in. This, of course, would require the use of PHP and fairly extensive use of it based on the parameters required by the project. I'm only in chapter 3 in my book, so I knew I was going to need to put in some hard time and long hours. The difficulty of the project was expounded because this was our first test on our new server. We had never even had the chance to test MySQL and make sure it was working, we had only run some minor scripts to test PHP.

After several days, I got it working like a charm. In fact, I even received a few compliments from some of the higher-ups telling me I did a good job on it and they were happy.

With my back still warm from all the patting, I sat back down in my chair anxious to work on a mail script. I wanted to write one that would function for all contact forms on our website. I knew what features I wanted from it. I knew what options I needed. All that I lacked was the knowledge (and probably a little confidence). After about 20 minutes, I felt I had it ready. I checked all the documentation and found a few minor configuration options that needed to be handled on the server, and tested it out.

The first test brought a Server Error. My server administrator couldn't work on it until yesterday. So, I had to wait almost a week. When he did get time to work on it, he found a small tweak that needed to be made. But then it worked like a charm. Now I can say I wrote a mail script that functioned from the very beginning. Sure, I changed a couple of things to add some functionality, but all in all it worked from the start.

This was probably a very boring post, but programming can be one of those things that either drives you absolutely nuts or makes you giddy as a school girl. Right now I might as well be wearing a plaid skirt. I should probably stop skipping down the hall of my office, huh?

P.S. The title of this post is the name of the function that is used for submitting mail in PHP.

February 11, 2004

A Welcomed Compliment

On checking my referrer logs, I noticed a link from Mono. It seems that the author of Mono, Lars Holst, of Malmö, Sweden, has selected several weblogs that he felt were aesthetically pleasing. He chose these based on several factors, but mainly kept it to blogs he felt "looked good."

In Well-Designed Weblogs Volume 2, one of his selections was Agonotheta.

Thanks Lars! That's a great compliment from a guy who has a great design and obviously knows what he's talking about.

February 10, 2004

Haircut

My little sister is in school to be a hair-stylist/cutter/beautician/my personal barber. I went over last night after my nightly run for a trim. This was the conversation that ensued.

"Liz, I'm still disappointed in you for cancelling this last night," I said purposely pushing her buttons and doing my best to sound fatherly.

"So. Maybe if you'd like your hair cut when and where you want you should pay for somebody to cut it. If you want me to cut your hair, you can come here to my house," she retorts.

"Well, it doesn't negate the fact that you DID agree to come to my house last night and cut my hair. Maybe if you didn't want to come to my house to cut my hair, you shouldn't have agreed to."

At this point, I know Liz has had it. "You know what? You can just go get your hair cut somewhere else!"

Time to grovel. "No, Liz, I'm just kidding with you"

Silence. Several minute pass. Crickets churp. Storm clouds move through her living room. I even saw a tumbleweed pass.

Timidly I say, "So can you still cut my hair?"

About ten minutes later, my head has an even 1/8 inch of hair on it.

I love my sisters. They put up with a lot of my shit.

February 09, 2004

FireFox

Mozilla has renamed their new version of Firebird to FireFox. This also marks the beginning of a grass-roots campaign to spread the word about FireFox and "Take Back the Web." If you're still using Internet Explorer please download it and see the web the way it was meant to be seen.

I've added a button to the right also to help with this campaign.

February 09, 2004

I Like Poo Humor

I saw Big Fish over the weekend. Although this was a very good show, I was a little let down. It was very somber and not very funny. I was hoping for more of a "feel good" movie with a lot of funny moments lacing a serious overtone. Instead, I got a quite serious movie with a light "feel" to it, with only a couple of funny moments. The important thing for you to read, though, as the reader is that the movie WAS very good. However, it was not what I was expecting, so I was a little disappointed. That just goes to show, its best to go into a movie without any expectations, then you'll never be disappointed.

One of my favorite sites to visit is one called ultramicroscopic. The author is griff and he cracks me up. Almost everything he puts forth in his cyber night club gets a laugh out of this drunk guy at the cyber bar. Yesterday he wrote something that absolutely slayed me. Do yourself a monster favor and read through his archives. I'll start you off with a few of my favorites.

• » Evil Twin
• » Smell My Poop Finger
• » Poo Haiku

February 05, 2004

Bad Parent

I'm sorry, my bastard child, for not keeping you at the fore of my mind. I have been, and it seems will ever be, buried in a pile of stinking refuse called work. The good thing is learning my PHP is coming along very nice. I've finished several different projects and am feeling quite comfortable with it. I have even turned the heads of some fairly "important" people around here.

While I run my six miles tonight, I'll think of something worthwhile to tell you. Until then . . .

February 03, 2004

Senses

While running, the world can pass by like graffiti on a tunnel wall. Two-dimensional shapes and figures flying by like a dream. Running is agony in a world like this. It hurts physically and is torture mentally.

I choose not to run like that.

For me I try to stay in tune with my body. Every step is a dialogue between my body and my mind. My senses are atuned to the world around me. I pay attention to as many colors, sounds, and smells as I can. Running is the best part of my day. I'm stimulated physically, while my mind is consumed.

I run in a three-dimensional world. I love it and look forward to it everyday. I ran by the picture above this weekend.

February 02, 2004

Running, Super Bowl, Peep Show

I did very little this weekend, but here's the rundown. I woke Saturday to a sunny, fairly warm-looking morning. Quickly dressed in my running clothes and set out for my first run outdoors since I began training for the marathon. (It's been too cold here to do just about anything outside.) I have been running inside in a treadmill up 'til this point. Just to highlight it for you again, my new training schedule revolves around steady, medium length runs during the week and longer, endurance building runs on the weekend. This weekend I ran five miles in about 45 minutes. That's about nine minutes per mile, which is much faster than I would liked to have been running.

Yesterday, of course, was Super Bowl Sunday. I'm glad the Patty's won. I was rooting for them because . . . well . . . its actually pretty stupid, but because the Red Sox lost in baseball. Ya know, I figure the city of Boston needs to have something good happen after losing the Yankees. But all-in-all, it was one of the better Super Bowls I've ever watched. In fact, I don't remember one that was that close right down to the wire. Sure, there was Joe Montana in '89 going the length of the field in 34 seconds or whatever, and sure there was Kevin Dyson stretching out to be one yard short of a touchdown on the last play in 2000. But this field goal with five seconds left had to eclipse even the 2002 field goal by the same man with seven seconds left. All I can say is, "What a good game!"

One last note, I'd love to thank Janet Jackson, or rather the "hand that rocked the cradle", Justin Timberlake for exposing Janet's breast to me and the world. Thanks buddy. I just don't understand why a gay man got to do it. Why not let a straight guy disrobe her?