Agonotheta

An Insecure Lover

March 18, 2004

I am an insecure lover. This is a very hard thing to deal with for me because I am a quite secure and confident person in every other way. But for some reason, when in a romantic relationship, I require a lot of "reassurance" that she feels the same way I do. Or at least that she tells me where she's at. The older I get, the worse it gets. I guess when I was young, I was immature and carefree enough not to really worry about these types of things. Maybe it's because now I'm older and value relationships more than before.

So, yeah, I guess I'm emotionally high-maintenance. I require a little extra attention in this way. So the question comes to mind, do I try to find a girl that naturally tells me how much she cares for me? Or do I try to find a girl who's nearly perfect, but doesn't quite feed my fragile state as much as I require? The question comes up for me, because I don't know how I feel about "changing" your lover. Well, actually, I know I don't want to change anybody. But I also know that relationships are about compromise and sacrifice. In fact, we had a saying in the fraternity, "it's not worth doing unless its hard". Maybe it doesn't fit perfectly, but does that apply here?

The funny thing is, I think that by being a little emotionally paranoid myself, I think I've become an extremely good lover. I am constantly showing my affection to her. I want her to know she has my heart. I want her to know she is in my thoughts. However, after telling somebody about my feelings, I start to feel very empty when they aren't reciprocated. Sort of like that episode of Seinfeld when George tells his girlfriend he loves her and she doesn't say anything back. He curses himself for saying those three words to her and vows never to say them again. Later, he finds out that she's deaf in the ear he spoke it into and he jumps to say it again. This is me. I don't want to say these things, but I feel compelled to.

Any advice? Should I just keep my mouth shut? When feeling insecure should I ask my lover how she feels? Should I keep waiting and try to find a girl that spills her soul the same way I do?

Oh yeah . . . an addendum. As a self-defense mechanism when I don't receive said reciprocation, I typically distance myself from my lover. Its very conscious and probably very out-of-line. But I'm Bobby Brown and it's my prerogative.