Agonotheta

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March 31, 2004

Check Out The Big Brain On Brad!

Over last weekend, I realized I hadn't watched any of the special features on the second DVD of my Collector's Edition Pulp Fiction DVD that I bought a couple of years ago.

So Sunday afternoon, after a long run, I plopped myself on the ol' sofa and sat down to receive some background information on one of my favorite directors and his greatest work to date.

After watching it and the subsequent Trivia version of the film, which is basicly like watching the movie with VH1's Pop-Up Video, I realized that although I thought I was a fan, there is a whole world of Pulp Fiction that has been hidden from me.

Quentin Tarantino, the film's director, is admired by many, and scorned as a violence-monger by equally as many. But one of the things discussed in the special features is his image of being a violent director, when most of the violence is not even shown, but simply implied. I really enjoyed Tarantino's remarks to this in that he said he takes it as a compliment that people view him this way because he must be making very visual scenes if a critic thinks he watched something very graphic, when in reality, he didn't see any violence.

He is also scorned because his movies feature criminals and show drug-use. But the interesting thing about this is that the criminals often "turn good" or give up the criminal lifestyle (Jules deciding to "walk the earth") and that drug-use can be detrimental (Mia over-dosing).

One of the documentaries discussed Tarantino's use of cinematography and his use of classic devices which have been abandoned by most directors today in favor of faster, easier alternatives. By devices I mean, switching from distance, scene-setting shots to very close headshots and then back again. I had noticed this, but never knew, until now, that these were made to increase anxiety for the viewer in expectation for an upcoming event. There were several other examples like this that help the viewer appreciate the amount of thought put into a film.

If you haven't seen Pulp Fiction, or haven't seen it in awhile, go pick it up. It has single-handedly shaped the way movies are made today.

March 29, 2004

Good, Bad, And In Between

Sometimes something that seems good,
May actually be bad.
And sometimes something that seems bad,
May actually be good.

Sometimes your heart can tell you one thing,
And your mind tells you the other.

Decisions are always more difficult to make
when you're making them.
They always seem more easy to live with
once they have been made.

March 26, 2004

Run With Me

The clip-clop of my feet upon the ground echo the rhythm of my heart.
Relaxed, my eyelids sag then spring back.
My eyes long to shut and run without sight,
Advancing in mind and body in the dark world of my own thoughts,
Seeing much more than the physical world,
Hearing much more than the music in my ears,
but sight hampers the sighted in this case.

Notions and ponderings take shape and often die a fruitless death.
But each becomes father and mother to young notions to be pondered and ponderings to be notioned.
A hundred failed conceptions gives birth to a thousand more.
Some are the kind only a mother would love.
Bastards locked away in dark pits, too ugly to emerge into the light.
Still, a mother loves these fatherless vagaries and coddles and babies them to clarity and maturity.
Physical miles are easy compared to the miles ran through my head.
I finish with a rejuvenated body and clearer mind.

March 25, 2004

In Your Absence

As I sit and feel the timeless beat within my being
Grow and slow with the ebb of my soul,
My mind is swept away to whatever place you are. For my heart is there too.
My mind's-eye alone brings your warmth and depth and breadth to my touch.
For though I will need you all my life, I know it may not be so to have you.

A time shall come in the evening of our life when I travel back to the morning when I can't.
I will sit in silence and long to feel your presence.
Smell the sweetness of your skin.
Hear and feel your love beating next to mine as I hold you.
Dream of yesterday when your touch was a reality and yet a dream.
For your love rises in the sun and sets in your eyes.
Perfection is defined by your heart then rewritten with your touch.
Beauty begins in your lips and ends in your words.
Life lives in you and dies with you.

March 24, 2004

Hummers & the People Who Drive Them

A couple of months ago, I read Eric Meyer's opinion of people who drive Hummer's. While I definitely agreed with him that these people are huge jerks, I definitely didn't feel quite as strongly as he did about the matter. In fact, I was never really noticing very many H2's before he wrote that. But in the last couple of months, I have begun to notice several of these behemoth's that practically taking up two lanes of the road.

In the last month or so my level of annoyance with them has doubled with H2 drivers. I don't get it, but I have been stuck in front of several of them and the phenomena is the same: every single one of them gets as close as they possibly can to my rear bumper. Its almost like they're trying to intimidate other drivers or something. In fact, I mentioned this to a friend and he said that he's noticed the same thing. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but as you all know, I have a new car and I'm paranoid about it getting dinged or dented.

So Hummer drivers, you're already a massive waste of space in this world, not to mention all the resources you waste on a daily basis, but don't become bigger jerks than you already are. GET OFF MY ASS at red lights!

Sidenote

Hummer has a commercial out that I have mixed feelings on. Go to the Hummer site and check it out. I think its a fairly memorable commercial with a cute little story line that shows the boy getting creative and "thinking outside the box". However, my mixed feelings come in because I think this commercial characterizes Hummer drivers very well. They make their own rules. Sure, he wasn't cheating, but he certainly was pushing the envelope and walking the line. The kid also almost decapitates another racer in his attempt to win the race. Also, look at the resources this kid used. He left a dog homeless. He swiped the tires off of the family lawnmower. His monstrosity of a vehicle is at least twice as big as every other car, using twice as much lumber. And in the end, in a very unsportsmanlike manner, cuts off the boy in the first place car and won't let him by. In fact, I'm quite bothered by the blatent taunts of the Hummer community in that they aren't even hiding these things. They seem to flaunt their lack of responsibility to the global community.

One bright side of the commercial, is The Who's "Happy Jack." Great job of art direction in this aspect.

March 23, 2004

Letter From Norman

As the moon lingers a moment over the bitteroots, before its descent into the invisible, my mind is filled with song. I find I am humming, softly, not to the music but something else. A place remembered — somewhere else. A field of grass where no one seemed to have been, except the deer. And the memory is strengthened by the feeling of you dancing in my awkward arms.

by Norman Maclean

March 22, 2004

Somebody's Watching Me

Somedays I'll be working, or not, and will hear behind me the distinct sound that eavesdropping makes. In that moment of, Rockwell-esque "Sometimes I feel like somebody's watching me," I turn quickly to see "The Librarian" with whom I share my office staring at my computer screen. I know she's not being a peeping-tom to get me in trouble, but rather because she's probably bored with her own work and more interested in mine. But either way, it freaks me out. The funny thing is, I catch her every time. Then she does her best to make up a reason why she was looking at my computer screens.

Yes, folks, this is your tax dollars at work.

March 18, 2004

An Insecure Lover

I am an insecure lover. This is a very hard thing to deal with for me because I am a quite secure and confident person in every other way. But for some reason, when in a romantic relationship, I require a lot of "reassurance" that she feels the same way I do. Or at least that she tells me where she's at. The older I get, the worse it gets. I guess when I was young, I was immature and carefree enough not to really worry about these types of things. Maybe it's because now I'm older and value relationships more than before.

So, yeah, I guess I'm emotionally high-maintenance. I require a little extra attention in this way. So the question comes to mind, do I try to find a girl that naturally tells me how much she cares for me? Or do I try to find a girl who's nearly perfect, but doesn't quite feed my fragile state as much as I require? The question comes up for me, because I don't know how I feel about "changing" your lover. Well, actually, I know I don't want to change anybody. But I also know that relationships are about compromise and sacrifice. In fact, we had a saying in the fraternity, "it's not worth doing unless its hard". Maybe it doesn't fit perfectly, but does that apply here?

The funny thing is, I think that by being a little emotionally paranoid myself, I think I've become an extremely good lover. I am constantly showing my affection to her. I want her to know she has my heart. I want her to know she is in my thoughts. However, after telling somebody about my feelings, I start to feel very empty when they aren't reciprocated. Sort of like that episode of Seinfeld when George tells his girlfriend he loves her and she doesn't say anything back. He curses himself for saying those three words to her and vows never to say them again. Later, he finds out that she's deaf in the ear he spoke it into and he jumps to say it again. This is me. I don't want to say these things, but I feel compelled to.

Any advice? Should I just keep my mouth shut? When feeling insecure should I ask my lover how she feels? Should I keep waiting and try to find a girl that spills her soul the same way I do?

Oh yeah . . . an addendum. As a self-defense mechanism when I don't receive said reciprocation, I typically distance myself from my lover. Its very conscious and probably very out-of-line. But I'm Bobby Brown and it's my prerogative.

March 17, 2004

St. Patrick's Day

Sometime in the 19-teens (1910-1919), Christopher Fitzgerald O'Callahan left his native Ireland and set sail for America. He was just a young boy, leaving a prosperous Irish family because of some family problems, and willing to try his luck in the States. Later in life, he joked that he dropped the "O" in the ocean when he changed his name to Callahan, but in reality shortened it to appear less Irish. He settled in Rhode Island for a time, made his way to California, met my Grandmother Ella and bore a daughter Sharon. Sharon, married my father and birthed a son. Me.

I love my Irish descendancy and all that it stands for. Maybe someday, if you're lucky, you'll hear the story of the origin of the name Neil.

So, here's an Irish toast for you today:

The race of men named the Gael,
Is a race God surely made mad.
For all of their wars are merry
And all of their loves are sad.

Sláinte and Erin Go Bragh!

March 16, 2004

Trailrunning Photos

Here's the photos I promised from my run on Sunday. The day was a little overcast, and as you can tell there was snow on the ground, but it was a great day to run. In fact, I wore a t-shirt and shorts.

March 15, 2004

Refreshed

I had a pretty good weekend. Not much really happened, but it felt great. I've returned to work on this Monday morning recharged and refreshed. My above-average state of being can be accounted mostly to my run on Sunday afternoon. It was only about six miles, but the wear and tear on my body was at least double that. The reason is because instead of street running, we did some "trail running." We followed part of the completed Bonneville Shoreline Trail. Here's the exact area we ran. If you look at that map, we started between the "City Creek Gate" and "Morris Meadow" and ran to the right a.k.a. East. We finished on the far right and then ran back through the neighborhood below to our beginning point. The view was amazing! I actually managed to carry my camera with me for the run, and took about 25 pictures. I'll try to post a couple of the better ones later today when I get time.

Also, on Saturday night, my "friend" came with me to hang out and have dinner with my family. I'm sure she had fun, but the jury is still out on what she thought of everything. Like I said before, my family is a very nice, fun-loving one, but can be quite overwhelming. I think it went well, all things considered . . .

March 12, 2004

Weekend Plans

This weekend, I plan on doing some serious maxing and relaxing. Tonight I'm going to chill at my house with a friend, make dinner, and watch a movie. Tomorrow my "friend" and I are having dinner with my family. Sunday will be my only real exertion, because I am going on a 12 mile run with a couple of friends.

Its pretty crazy meeting the family of your "friend." I know how stressful it can be. My family, though, is so laid back it should not be a very high-stress situation. The food is bountiful, the laughs plentiful, and the beer flows like wine. I love my family. I feel blessed when I hear of all the problems people have with their families. My family has always been my biggest fans and supporters and I certainly wouldn't have made it where I am today without them. But nevertheless, if my family disapproved of somebody I was dating, it wouldn't matter to me. Don't get me wrong, their opinion matters, but in the end, I'm the person who is dating the girl, not them.

Honestly, though, my family really doesn't take things serious enough to "disapprove" of somebody. They will express their opinions, but as long as everything is in place in her life, i.e. she isn't a crack addict, a hooker, or maybe a man (not that there's anything wrong with that!), my family would be cool with her.

How is your family? Do you have any strange meeting the in-laws or boy/girlfriend's family stories?

March 11, 2004

What A Prick!

I was in a stall in the restroom at work the other day when some guy walked in and began using the facilities. This didn't strike me that odd, as we were in a bathroom. What did surprise me was what happened a few seconds after he walked in.

After he began his "business", out of nowhere, he began talking. Not just mindless chatter to himself, but a full-on conversation to somebody. At first I figured somebody else must have walked in and I didn't realize it. But then, during his pauses, I realized I wasn't hearing a response. Only after a couple of exchanges, did I realize he must have been on the phone. At this point, I was going absolutely out of my mind with anger. Who is this guy?! Who does that?

I was doing my best to alleviate an already awkward situation, by being as quiet as possible. I certainly didn't want him alerted to my presence and get off the phone. Because I didn't want to have to face this guy. I was waiting 'til he finished and left, so I could leave myself.

The problem is, he wouldn't finish. He kept talking. The worst part is what he was talking about. Apparently some guy had offended him, to which he said several times, "What a prick!"

Indeed, sir. Indeed.

He also said, "That guy has no social skills."

No kidding, buddy. Coming from you, this guy must have been an absolute caveman!

March 10, 2004

Fake Work

I just had a meeting like this:

Them: "We need to have a new page about the new Strategic Plan by next Wednesday."
Me: "Ok, I'll make sure it gets done. Just send me the information."
Them: "Oh, we don't really have any information ready."
Me: "Uh . . . Ok. Just email it to me when you have it and I'll have it online in just a few minutes."
Them: "We also need an evaluation form that people can fill out that will plug into a database."
Me: "Let me guess: you don't have the questions for the form nor an inkling of how you'd like it done?"
Them: "How did you know?"
Me: "Just a hunch. I'm leaving now."
Them: "Do you want to play with my Legos®?"
Me: "Oh jeez, take that out of your nose."

So, what am I doing? Working on all that "fake work" they gave me? Hell, no! I'm writing about how crazy they are. I promise the entire year hasn't been like this.

March 10, 2004

One Year Ago Today

. . . I began my first day of work at the school district. Nervous and unsure of my decision to leave school 2 months early and take this job. Nervous and unsure of my workmates and workplace. Nervous and unsure of my skills and knowledge. Nervous and unsure that I would wear my age on my sleave with every decision I made. I was ready, though, to prove myself. Not only to everyone else, but to myself as well.

After one year, I still show up everyday ready to prove myself. It may not even be necessary anymore.

But it sure feels like it sometimes.

Over the past year, there were times when I took my job for granted. I don't want to do that anymore. I feel very blessed to be in the position I'm in. I feel very blessed to be surrounded by the people that are around me. I feel very blessed to go to a place everyday to do the things that bring me great joy.

This place is called work out of tradition. But for me, it's certainly not work. It's a career, yes. It pays my bills, yes. The word work implies that it's hard to come here. It's not. It's a joy. And I love it.

Where were you one year ago today? More importantly, where do you want to be in one year from today?

March 09, 2004

The Meeting

A couple Sundays ago, I received a phone call from my older sister Christine. She abruptly asked, as is her custom, if I would be interested in meeting a certain eligible bachelorette.

"Uh, I don't think so," I said.

"Don't you at least want to hear about her first," she asked.

"No, I don't think so. Blind dates never work and I'm not really interested in spending my hard-earned money taking somebody out when it will be over before it began."

I am not normally a pessimistic person, but I know a thing or two about blind dates and was in no mood for optimism.

Attempting a little passive aggression, "Well, thats really too bad, because she'd be perfect for you. Smart, fun, educated . . . not to mention, beautiful."

"You're not going to give up, are you?" I said.

"No."

"Fine, tell me about her," I relinquished.

She went on to tell me as much as she knew about this person. By the end of our one hour conversation, I too, was very interested in not only getting to know her, but definitely "taking her out."

For the rest of the day, I couldn't help but think about her. Envisioning our meeting, hearing our first conversation, imagining her interests and hobbies. Later that night, I decided I would call her the following day.

The Following Day

Mustering all the courage I could get, complete with opening joke and awkward initial conversation topics for discussion, I dial her number. No answer. So, I leave a message for her on her voicemail, expecting a return call that night. But I get nothing.

"Stupid girl," I think, remembering a quote from some movie where the heroine curses the boy who didn't call. "Well, she probably had plans tonight and doesn't want to call too late. I'm sure she'll call tomorrow."

The Day After The Following Day

After work, I ran a few miles, ate dinner, and sat down to relax, hoping she'd call sometime that evening. Hour after hour passed and as it approached 10:00 PM, I knew she wouldn't call. So I brushed my teeth, took out my contacts, and got ready for bed, when all of a sudden . . . my phone rang.

I look at the caller ID screen only to see her name. My first instinct was to ignore it and let her sweat for a couple of days. That quickly took a cliff dive off my list of possible actions, as I reminded myself I am no longer a teenager nor a college student "playing games."

I happily answered the phone and spoke with her for more than two hours that night. Since our offices are only a couple of blocks apart, we made plans to go to lunch in a couple days.

The lunch went great. I picked her up in my new car (which couldn't hurt) and I took her to a cafe. The conversation was great, never slacked or was awkward as many a first conversation are. I was very pleased with who she turned out to be. She is all that my sister said and more. Intelligent, witty, funny, educated, ambitious, and beautiful, just to name a few of her obvious qualities.

That first week, we spoke on the phone for over 12 hours. We saw each other twice. From the very first moment, we were comfortable and open with each other. We both spoke separately to the same person about how comfortable we truly are with each other.

The more I get to know her, the more I learn of her many not-so-obvious, but still very amazing traits.

The strange thing for me is that she simply "gets" me. She understands who I am. Although, she says I am "different from anybody she's ever met," I know she understands how my mind works. She understands me emotionally. I feel some strange, metaphysical connection to her. Yes, I know its early, but that's how I feel.

Actually, I'm still dealing with this connection and the thoughts that it initiates. Yeah, it's very cool. But at the same time, it freaks me out. I've never been one for fate or that there is one person out there meant for you.

So that's the somebody I was referring to last week. There's a little more information about how we met. I certainly need to find that balance of how much information I give about her, as I don't want to violate her anonymity. I guess, I can leave that up to her, as she is already monitoring the happenings here. One thing, though, anticipate many more postings about her and this relationship in general, as she is constantly on my mind.

So, I ask you, has anyone ever just "got" you? Whether it was a friend of the same sex or a boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you marry that person?

March 04, 2004

Somebody

In case you can't tell by my last couple of posts, I've met someone. Well, not just someone. Somebody who does much more than set my heart a-flutter. Somebody who is much more than a beautiful face and graceful figure. Somebody who does much more than make me smile for no reason whatsoever, other than the sound of her own laugh. Somebody with whom I could (and probably have) stay up into the wee small hours of the morning talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Somebody whose thought inspires me to listen to all the Frank Sinatra I can get my hands on. Somebody who challenges my thoughts and questions my reasonings. Somebody who loves the attention I lavish her with. Somebody . . .

March 04, 2004

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning

As sung by Frank Sinatra

March 02, 2004

Running Update

Well, its been over a month since I decided to run a marathon and I just thought it was time to let you all know how my training is going.

I've steadily increased my mileage and am now sitting at about 32 miles per week. I've been running five miles every day monday through friday and then 12 miles for my long weekend run. Its pretty grueling. One day of rest on sunday doesn't seem like enough to allow my body to heal itself. In fact, it is very strange putting your body through something like this. I feel very "in touch" with every muscle, joint, tendon, etc. Throughout the day, while climbing stairs and walking up and down the hall, I subconsciousy monitor every step. I've never felt so in tune with my body.

One thing about running this much, is that I've lost a lot of weight. Well, a lot, for me. For instance, I've lost about 15 pounds in the last month and a half. I certainly didn't need to lose any weight to begin with, so I've gotten lots of comments from people about how much weight I've lost.

For somebody who is trying to lose weight, these would be welcomed comments, for sure. However, I'm not trying to lose weight, so they have started to get pretty annoying.

I'm only about 5' 9" and as of right now I weigh 150 pounds. So I don't want to lose too much more. I have definitely lost the majority of my "beer gut" that I managed to accumulate during the last three or four years, which is a good thing.

Another thing to note, is that I cannot run the Salt Lake Marathon because of a prior engagement. Its sort of a bummer, because I wanted to do my first one in my hometown. But it will be ok, because now I'm going to San Diego to run the Rock and Roll Marathon. This gives me an additional six weeks to prepare, plus it'll be in a more scenic place. It even runs along the Pacific Highway for a few miles!

Onward and upward!

March 01, 2004

Patience

My whole life, I have always had horrible patience. I remember being a bratty kid and throwing tantrums every time I had to wait for something I wanted. Today, its slightly different. Instead of throwing tantrums, I either A) do something myself (if thats even possible given the circumstances) or B) give up.

As an adult, I have found one area in my life that doesn't do well when I am impatient. That being dating and relationships. Because of my lack of patience, I tend to rush things along very quickly. This always has a couple of effects. I end up being involved with a woman that I don't know as well as I should considering the amount of affection I feel for her. That is where I find myself if she also moves fast. If she isn't comfortable or maybe too smart to allow her heart to take control that quickly, I usually end up getting frustrated and since I don't have that much control over the situation, I opt for Step B above.

Yes, I quit.

It's pretty stupid, I know. But I usually get so frustrated with "going slow" that I'd rather throw in the towel because it would be easier to push her completely out of my life even if that means possibly losing the best thing that could ever happen to me than to have to stand idly behind and wait for what may be.

Thats why I hate dating. I hate all the rules. I hate that common wisdom says you shouldn't call for a few days because you want her to want you even more. And supposedly that lack of contact does it. I know it works, but honestly, I'm interested in a woman who wants to spend as much time as possible with me. Someday I'll find a woman, the woman, who is ok with me immersing myself in her. She won't be afraid to take a chance on me. She won't know it, but I'll be worth it. And she'll be rewarded. As will I.

Is this too idealistic? Too fairy-tale-happily-ever-after? What do you think?