Agonotheta

March 23, 2006

Lover, You Should've Come Over

by Jeff Buckley

February 10, 2006

Handsome Man Looking to Court a Distinguished Lady

Good Evening, Fair Lady

I am a gentleman, very much out of my own time. I find that this culture over stimulates my baser senses, while failing to charm my finer sensitivities. I seek a graceful and educated young woman from a respectable family who I may call upon with gestures of affection. In the truest spirit of chivalry I shall offer to you all the finest luxuries this world has to offer, and for myself seek only the polite pleasure of your company, and perhaps a ribbon from your hair that I may keep as a token, as I journey through life's adventures. Your chaste treasure is at no risk from my advances, though I would find a spot of tenderness in your heart. With due-diligence I shall make this my quest.

-A true gentleman.

P.S. No Fatties.

November 30, 2005

The Next Level

This last weekend I was called at the last minute to go on a quick road trip to Vegas with some friends. I reluctantly agreed. I've done Vegas a thousand times and it is no longer entertaining. But I had just finished a big project at work and was rather burned out from, well life, so I decided to go. The friends I went with were three men aged 26, 33, and 39. All of them single, eligible, hard-working, financially-stable bachelors. We had fun. But it became obvious to me that I don't want to end up like them. Don't get me wrong, I respect my friends for choosing their course in life, but I don't want to be 40 years old and still single.

As you can probably tell the weekend really got me thinking about my life. In particular, I've noticed I don't feel as though there's a lot of meaning to it. Pretty deep, right? I get up in the morning, go to work, balance staying busy with doing as little work as possible. (Don't lie. Everybody does it.)

Yeah, I love my friends and they are a big part of my life, but in the end when I go home and lie in my bed by myself I feel as though I'm missing out on something. Basically what I'm saying is that I've taken off over a year and half from dating and I'm ready to get back into it. I think I'm prepared to take a relationship to the "next level." I don't know what that means, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

June 09, 2005

My Problem?

Excerpt from a female friend's email:

My response:

What do you think?

October 24, 2004

Kiss De Girl

Have you ever gone in to kiss a girl for the "first kiss" and have her not expect it, only to shudder, either in fear of you or fear of the first kiss, groan and turn her head away?

Yeah, that would suck ... not that I know or anything.

August 06, 2004

Content

The girl I'm dating told me she can't picture me married or even with a girlfriend. I thought this was interesting because she is dating me. So, this seems like this should be a paradox for her.

Anyway, I asked her why she thinks this.

"You put off this attitude like you don't care."

But I do care. I mean, why would I be dating you if I didn't?

"Even now, you just seem very content with your life. Like you don't need a girlfriend."

I am content. I like my life. I don't need a girlfriend. I want one.

She meant this as a compliment. She was saying I was very confident and comfortable with myself.

After a couple of days to think about this, I've realized a better way to put it:

I like my life. A lot. So much, in fact, that I think somebody else might enjoy being part of it; and I of hers. I could be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life. But who's to say I won't be happier with somebody else in it? I'm willing to risk my perfect life to see if you can improve it.

March 29, 2004

Good, Bad, And In Between

Sometimes something that seems good,
May actually be bad.
And sometimes something that seems bad,
May actually be good.

Sometimes your heart can tell you one thing,
And your mind tells you the other.

Decisions are always more difficult to make
when you're making them.
They always seem more easy to live with
once they have been made.

March 18, 2004

An Insecure Lover

I am an insecure lover. This is a very hard thing to deal with for me because I am a quite secure and confident person in every other way. But for some reason, when in a romantic relationship, I require a lot of "reassurance" that she feels the same way I do. Or at least that she tells me where she's at. The older I get, the worse it gets. I guess when I was young, I was immature and carefree enough not to really worry about these types of things. Maybe it's because now I'm older and value relationships more than before.

So, yeah, I guess I'm emotionally high-maintenance. I require a little extra attention in this way. So the question comes to mind, do I try to find a girl that naturally tells me how much she cares for me? Or do I try to find a girl who's nearly perfect, but doesn't quite feed my fragile state as much as I require? The question comes up for me, because I don't know how I feel about "changing" your lover. Well, actually, I know I don't want to change anybody. But I also know that relationships are about compromise and sacrifice. In fact, we had a saying in the fraternity, "it's not worth doing unless its hard". Maybe it doesn't fit perfectly, but does that apply here?

The funny thing is, I think that by being a little emotionally paranoid myself, I think I've become an extremely good lover. I am constantly showing my affection to her. I want her to know she has my heart. I want her to know she is in my thoughts. However, after telling somebody about my feelings, I start to feel very empty when they aren't reciprocated. Sort of like that episode of Seinfeld when George tells his girlfriend he loves her and she doesn't say anything back. He curses himself for saying those three words to her and vows never to say them again. Later, he finds out that she's deaf in the ear he spoke it into and he jumps to say it again. This is me. I don't want to say these things, but I feel compelled to.

Any advice? Should I just keep my mouth shut? When feeling insecure should I ask my lover how she feels? Should I keep waiting and try to find a girl that spills her soul the same way I do?

Oh yeah . . . an addendum. As a self-defense mechanism when I don't receive said reciprocation, I typically distance myself from my lover. Its very conscious and probably very out-of-line. But I'm Bobby Brown and it's my prerogative.

March 09, 2004

The Meeting

A couple Sundays ago, I received a phone call from my older sister Christine. She abruptly asked, as is her custom, if I would be interested in meeting a certain eligible bachelorette.

"Uh, I don't think so," I said.

"Don't you at least want to hear about her first," she asked.

"No, I don't think so. Blind dates never work and I'm not really interested in spending my hard-earned money taking somebody out when it will be over before it began."

I am not normally a pessimistic person, but I know a thing or two about blind dates and was in no mood for optimism.

Attempting a little passive aggression, "Well, thats really too bad, because she'd be perfect for you. Smart, fun, educated . . . not to mention, beautiful."

"You're not going to give up, are you?" I said.

"No."

"Fine, tell me about her," I relinquished.

She went on to tell me as much as she knew about this person. By the end of our one hour conversation, I too, was very interested in not only getting to know her, but definitely "taking her out."

For the rest of the day, I couldn't help but think about her. Envisioning our meeting, hearing our first conversation, imagining her interests and hobbies. Later that night, I decided I would call her the following day.

The Following Day

Mustering all the courage I could get, complete with opening joke and awkward initial conversation topics for discussion, I dial her number. No answer. So, I leave a message for her on her voicemail, expecting a return call that night. But I get nothing.

"Stupid girl," I think, remembering a quote from some movie where the heroine curses the boy who didn't call. "Well, she probably had plans tonight and doesn't want to call too late. I'm sure she'll call tomorrow."

The Day After The Following Day

After work, I ran a few miles, ate dinner, and sat down to relax, hoping she'd call sometime that evening. Hour after hour passed and as it approached 10:00 PM, I knew she wouldn't call. So I brushed my teeth, took out my contacts, and got ready for bed, when all of a sudden . . . my phone rang.

I look at the caller ID screen only to see her name. My first instinct was to ignore it and let her sweat for a couple of days. That quickly took a cliff dive off my list of possible actions, as I reminded myself I am no longer a teenager nor a college student "playing games."

I happily answered the phone and spoke with her for more than two hours that night. Since our offices are only a couple of blocks apart, we made plans to go to lunch in a couple days.

The lunch went great. I picked her up in my new car (which couldn't hurt) and I took her to a cafe. The conversation was great, never slacked or was awkward as many a first conversation are. I was very pleased with who she turned out to be. She is all that my sister said and more. Intelligent, witty, funny, educated, ambitious, and beautiful, just to name a few of her obvious qualities.

That first week, we spoke on the phone for over 12 hours. We saw each other twice. From the very first moment, we were comfortable and open with each other. We both spoke separately to the same person about how comfortable we truly are with each other.

The more I get to know her, the more I learn of her many not-so-obvious, but still very amazing traits.

The strange thing for me is that she simply "gets" me. She understands who I am. Although, she says I am "different from anybody she's ever met," I know she understands how my mind works. She understands me emotionally. I feel some strange, metaphysical connection to her. Yes, I know its early, but that's how I feel.

Actually, I'm still dealing with this connection and the thoughts that it initiates. Yeah, it's very cool. But at the same time, it freaks me out. I've never been one for fate or that there is one person out there meant for you.

So that's the somebody I was referring to last week. There's a little more information about how we met. I certainly need to find that balance of how much information I give about her, as I don't want to violate her anonymity. I guess, I can leave that up to her, as she is already monitoring the happenings here. One thing, though, anticipate many more postings about her and this relationship in general, as she is constantly on my mind.

So, I ask you, has anyone ever just "got" you? Whether it was a friend of the same sex or a boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you marry that person?

March 04, 2004

Somebody

In case you can't tell by my last couple of posts, I've met someone. Well, not just someone. Somebody who does much more than set my heart a-flutter. Somebody who is much more than a beautiful face and graceful figure. Somebody who does much more than make me smile for no reason whatsoever, other than the sound of her own laugh. Somebody with whom I could (and probably have) stay up into the wee small hours of the morning talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Somebody whose thought inspires me to listen to all the Frank Sinatra I can get my hands on. Somebody who challenges my thoughts and questions my reasonings. Somebody who loves the attention I lavish her with. Somebody . . .

March 04, 2004

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning

As sung by Frank Sinatra

March 01, 2004

Patience

My whole life, I have always had horrible patience. I remember being a bratty kid and throwing tantrums every time I had to wait for something I wanted. Today, its slightly different. Instead of throwing tantrums, I either A) do something myself (if thats even possible given the circumstances) or B) give up.

As an adult, I have found one area in my life that doesn't do well when I am impatient. That being dating and relationships. Because of my lack of patience, I tend to rush things along very quickly. This always has a couple of effects. I end up being involved with a woman that I don't know as well as I should considering the amount of affection I feel for her. That is where I find myself if she also moves fast. If she isn't comfortable or maybe too smart to allow her heart to take control that quickly, I usually end up getting frustrated and since I don't have that much control over the situation, I opt for Step B above.

Yes, I quit.

It's pretty stupid, I know. But I usually get so frustrated with "going slow" that I'd rather throw in the towel because it would be easier to push her completely out of my life even if that means possibly losing the best thing that could ever happen to me than to have to stand idly behind and wait for what may be.

Thats why I hate dating. I hate all the rules. I hate that common wisdom says you shouldn't call for a few days because you want her to want you even more. And supposedly that lack of contact does it. I know it works, but honestly, I'm interested in a woman who wants to spend as much time as possible with me. Someday I'll find a woman, the woman, who is ok with me immersing myself in her. She won't be afraid to take a chance on me. She won't know it, but I'll be worth it. And she'll be rewarded. As will I.

Is this too idealistic? Too fairy-tale-happily-ever-after? What do you think?

February 27, 2004

Spring

As this frost thaws with the first rays of sun, my soul revives with the forethought of that which is to come. I shed this wintry garment along with its hopelessness and despair and welcome your brightness on my sun-thirsty skin.

I long for warmer days whose temperance fills my mind and soul with thoughts of her. So here I lie, unabashed, unashamed. Primed to be set ablaze with your mark to announce my state.

December 23, 2003

Commitment vs. Interest Retention

Is it weird that I can't picture myself in a long-term relationship with anybody? Don't most people "see" themselves with somebody? At least in their mind even if it never comes to fruition?

Its not that I can't commit. When I have a girlfriend, she is the only thing I can think about. My mind is typically consumed by her and nothing else. The problem isn't the committal, but the length of time that my interest will be retained. I am an all or nothing person. I do something 100% or not at all. The problem with this is that I burn out over time. Eventually, the same thing gets very boring to me. In fact, the three longest relationships I have had lasted 18 months, 25 months, and 14 months. To me, these seem really weak. I mean, I'm 25 years-old. I should be mature enough to handle a relationship longer than two years, shouldn't I?

I know that I have broken up or stopped dating girls for reasons varying from the way she held my head (or the "headlock" as I used to call it) when we kissed to another girl who didn't touch me at all when we kissed (besides the mouth, of course).

What's the solution? I don't know. I know what you're thinking faithful reader, that maybe my Boredom Tolerance Meter will gain some endurance with maturity. But I'm not sure I want it to. Why should I have to accept boredom as an alternative to a fun life? Am I looking at this completely wrong? Please correct me if I am. You married and committal types, please correct where I've erred.

On a side note, I just heard a few days ago that the "wrestling" girlfriend had gotten married. I feel bad for that guy. He's going to be one sore puppy!

December 02, 2003

If There's Grass On The Field . . .

Now I'm not a pervert, but I'm wondering what is the minimum age of a girl that I should date?

I'm just interested, not exactly asking for any particular reason.

I was told by a friend that you should divide your age in half and add seven.

I'm 25, so for me, that would mean 19 is the minimum age. But, whats the difference between an 18 year old and a 19 year old? More importantly, do I really want to get involved with somebody that young? I know there are somewhere between 80 and 100 visitors to my site everyday, depending on the Scarlett Johannson activity and I'm asking all of you, no matter how well I know you, to please comment on this and give me your advice.

If there are zero or one or two comments by this time tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed. All of you living out there in internet anonymity-land, here's your chance to break free from your silence. You can do it. I'm begging for your advice.

And remember, there's no reason, I'm just interested.

November 24, 2003

Is Your Best Friend Single?

I am officially declaring myself the "You'd Be Perfect For My Friend" spokesmodel.

Why? Because I have been told the above no less than half a dozen times in the last couple of months.

This seems very interesting to me. Is this what dating is all about after college? Should I feel comforted that you feel I am good enough for your friend? Is there something wrong with your friend that deems it necessary for her "good friends" like you obviously are, to set her up with strangers?

Just wondering.

And yes, I would love to go out with her.

November 21, 2003

My Attraction to Odd Women

I find myself strangely and uncomfortably attracted to very odd women.

For instance, today, I had a meeting with a very young (23 years old) math teacher at a high school. I'm rather embarrassed to say, but I found her extremely attractive despite her obvious inadequate social skills and eccentricities.

For some reason, I really like women who don't quite fit in. I think probably because I have always felt that I don't quite fit in.

I just thought I'd write about it because I realized this about myself today.

November 17, 2003

Old Love Letter To An Ex

Below is a letter I wrote to an ex-girlfriend. I've taken out a couple of parts to preserve her anonymity, but it remains mostly intact. She and I are huge music fans, so I came up with this idea to "write" her a letter almost entirely from quotes from songs and literature. I referenced each quote and if you hover over the quote, the name of the artist, song title, and year will pop up.

November 10, 2003

A Letter To An Ex

November 05, 2003

Characteristics of My Perfect Woman

Feisty, warm, spontaneous, equally at ease in the kitchen or bedroom and fond of spending lots of time in both. A sleeping surface for sex is often superfluous, due to a naughty and ardent passion, and love for novelty.

What Its Like To Date Me:

I will need your attention, not always but a lot
I will see the glass half full
I will correct your grammar
I won't make the bed, unless its a weekend
I won't always make the bed on the weekend
I will drink beer a lot
I will flirt and stare at you
I will want time away from you
I will tell you that you're beautiful
I will learn from you
I will keep you laughing
I will leave you love notes
I will write you letters and poetry
I will annoy you
I will make you want time away from me
I will definitely make you feel special.

If this is too much, you shouldn't be with me.
If the cons outweight the pros, I shouldn't be with you.

October 24, 2003

What Was I Thinking?

Or was I?
Was it your sparkling personality?
Your engaging conversation?
Your non-existent sense of humor?
Your resilient dedication to mock my failures?
Your unparalleled self-righteous attitude?

I know it wasn't your beauty.
It could have been your smile . . .
or your eyes.
I know it was your ideals.
Or at least one of them.
The rest of them scratched at me like the obscene scream of my neighbors' wife which keeps me awake on an endlessly humid summer night.

Sorry.
I'm not bitter.
Just thinking.

October 14, 2003

Long e

I've been doing some thinking. As part of said thinking, I've decided that I'm done dating girls whose name ends in the long e. Not versed in your Phonemics? Well, let me give you some examples of the long e.

Eagle
Easel
East
Emu

No, I haven't been dating any Emu's. Ha Ha. Very Funny. But I have dated and/or liked an Amy, a Jeni, a Jessi, an Annie, a Jamie, Janie, an Allie, a Jenny, and another Jamie.

All of them have turned out dismally. Yes, this could be considered prejudice. And no, I don't care. Maybe if there weren't so many bad seeds out there whose named has a long e in it, then maybe, I wouldn't be stereotyping you all. Yes, I know I have a long e in my name. But I haven't heard any reports of any bad Neil's out there wreaking havoc. If any of you scorned long e women out there know any long e men who need a stern talking-to. Let me know. I'll give them a piece of my mind.