March 16, 2007
Sayings About The Irish
"To be Irish is to know that in the end the world will break your heart."
Daniel Patrick Moynihan
“The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it”
Sidney Littlewood
“When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious.”
Edna O'Brien
“"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy.'”
William Butler Yeats
"All my best friends are black, gay, Irish or criminals.”
Johnny Rotten
“Irish Alzheimer's: you forget everything except the grudges”
Judy Collins
“Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste.”
“Too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart.”
W.B. Yeats
August 08, 2005
Candid Photo of Me Telling an Embarrassing Story
May 24, 2005
I Need Help
Hello, my name is Neil and I'm an addict.
I'm addicted to Extra® Cool Green Apple gum.
It's so obvious to me now, but I believe my sister is a gum dealer working for those bastards at the Wrigley's® corporation. She first gave me a piece of this delicious chewy goodness about a month ago and, wouldn't you know it, after buying a pack of my own, I've gotten three of my coworkers hooked on it as well.
Damnit, I'm so mad at myself, I'm playing right into their hands and I know it. Last time I saw my sister I played it cool and only asked her if she had any gum. You know, not specifying the kind she knew I wanted. But what did she tell me? She wanted me to pay her for it?
Typical dealer. The first one is free, but after they've gotten you hooked they charge you for it.
Whatever you do, don't try this gum, or else ... you'll be hooked too.
May 23, 2005
Heckling
The favorite thing I did last week (beside seeing Episode III) was yelling "Homewrecker!" at the screen during the preview for Mr. & Mrs. Smith. What was funny to me was the reactions of the people around me. Some people agreed, some didn't understand, and some probably just thought I was gay.
April 28, 2005
Heterosexual Conversation Or Homosexual Confrontation?
At Costco checkout discussing an item being purchased:
Me: Were we together when you bought those last? I think we were.
Erik: No, I was with CJ ... <Gay Voice>Thanks for paying attention to the details. </Gay Voice>
After we left, I pointed out to Erik how funny that conversation could have sounded to a bystander.
March 25, 2005
Scapegoat
I'm on the flight right now to Detroit. About two minutes ago I was in a pretty bad mood because the ghetto, 8-Mile, interracial teen couple in front of me needed to change their love child's poopy diaper and it reminded me of reason #10,279 why I don't want kids: poop stinks. Sure, one can endure the odors produced by his own body, but it takes love and selflessness that I don't possess to suffer the putrid stench that is infant feces.
Ah, but yes, I did say that I WAS in a bad mood. So, what turned it to a good one?
I soon realized that in about two hours the obligatory fart from sitting in that awful position that would begin to rumble in my stomach would need to be released. And what better opportunity would be presented than to blame it on the baby in front of me?
March 21, 2005
Prestonite
Over the weekend, I met a girl from Preston, Idaho.
She was nice, but a little naive. Exactly what you would suspect a person from Napoleon's hometown would be like.
March 06, 2005
Get A Real Job
Has anybody seen that commercial for a vacuum cleaner of some sort where its British engineer is speaking?
In it, he says that the vacuum "creates 100,000 times the force of gravity."
100,000 times! Can you believe that?
He then goes on to humbly say, "I just think things should work properly." The combination of these two phrases blew me away. I think this guy has definitely wasted his potential. I mean, if you can create 100,000 times the force of gravity in a small vacuum, you need to be working for NASA or something, my friend.
I can just see him going to his parents house for dinner and the conversation that ensues.
Mom: Bobby, you're so smart you could be doing so much more than designing vacuums.
Dad: Your mother's right, Bobby, you haven't reached your potential.
Bobby: Mom, Dad, we've talked about this before and you're still not going to change my mind. I love vacuums and maybe I'm not impacting the world the way you'd like me to, but I impact every mother out there that uses my vacuum. Vacuums are my passion and I just want them to work properly.
February 07, 2005
Suggestive Signage
As I was coming into the office this morning, I laughed audibly to myself upon seeing this sign on the door.
Then, upon returning to photograph the picture, I noticed the sign on the opposite side.
February 01, 2005
Worst Sign Seen At A Sporting Event
Energizing
Sports
People
Nationwide
January 10, 2005
Embarrassing Moment
One Saturday morning last summer I ran a 10k (6.2 miles). After it was all said and done, I quickly changed at a friend's house. I took off my running shorts and put on jeans. Now, for those of you who aren't runners or haven't ever seen male running shorts, they are very similar to male swim trunks in that they have "underwear" sewn into them. Trust me, these special shorts are needed after about three or four miles. So as I was changing clothes I realized I had forgotten to pack a pair a "draws."
"Hm, commando," I thought. "No big deal for an hour or so while I get my car's oil changed."
Cut scene: Interior car dealership.
I sit lazily and freely spread-legged, tired from the run, in a chair facing a long hallway for about an hour.
Cut scene: Interior of my house about one-half hour after arriving home.
I reach down, as I am accustomed to do, to check my zipper. And lo, and behold ... it's down. I laugh quietly to myself.
"Ha ha, good thing I'm not in public, since I'm not wearing ... any ... underwear ..."
The magnitude of this blunder hits me as I realize I was sitting, more like sprawled, facing a long hallway for an hour in the car dealership.
Not one who embarrasses easily, I told this embarrassing story that night to several friends at a wedding.
Later this week, I'm going to post a candid picture another friend took of me telling this story at the wedding. Photo here.
November 02, 2004
If Bush Is Re-elected . . .
One good thing that could come of Bush getting re-elected is that we'd get to see a little more of this little lady.
July 06, 2004
The Wisdom That is Ben Franklin
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
"After three days men grow weary, of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy."
"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
"He that lieth down with Dogs, shall rise up with Fleas."
"The worst wheel of a cart makes the most noise."
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."
"Work as if you were to live a hundred years, Pray as if you were to die tomorrow."
"He that drinks fast, pays slow."
"Glass, China, and Reputation, are easily crack'd, and never well mended."
"We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately."
"There was never a good war or a bad peace."
"Those who give up liberty for the sake of security deserve neither liberty nor security."
"He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals."
"Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?"
And finally, my favorite:
"Beer is proof god loves us and wants us to be happy."
Ben Franklin
April 23, 2004
Does Your Spirit Need A Root Canal?
'Nuff said.
April 16, 2004
College Buffoonery
One drunk and mischievous night . . .
February 25, 2004
I'll See You In Hell, Turd!
The toilets at my work have the strongest flushes in the Western Hemisphere. I never knew why until today when I overheard the head custodian speaking to the devil in a bathroom stall. Apparently, the school district hired Mephistopheles to power the great flushing system that we have.
I asked the custodian why they went with the Apocalypse Millenium Edition flushing system and he said that after sending out RFP's to Beelzebub and his main competition, the Messiah Armageddon Flushing System, he felt the Apocalypse was the way to go because of the environmental differences. It seems that the Apocalypse not only takes the fecal/urine/tp matter away, but actually sends it directly to the underworld to be used as fuel to light the never-ending flames of Hell.
One downside though, this new system is so powerful that we've even had a few employees go in and never come back. But, I think its just Succubus having some fun with them. Old Lucifer sure can be a kidder.
I am happy for the Prince of Darkness, though, because apparently we have better benefits here at the district than in hell. He says they're going to through tough times and may be claiming bankruptcy soon.
February 10, 2004
Haircut
My little sister is in school to be a hair-stylist/cutter/beautician/my personal barber. I went over last night after my nightly run for a trim. This was the conversation that ensued.
"Liz, I'm still disappointed in you for cancelling this last night," I said purposely pushing her buttons and doing my best to sound fatherly.
"So. Maybe if you'd like your hair cut when and where you want you should pay for somebody to cut it. If you want me to cut your hair, you can come here to my house," she retorts.
"Well, it doesn't negate the fact that you DID agree to come to my house last night and cut my hair. Maybe if you didn't want to come to my house to cut my hair, you shouldn't have agreed to."
At this point, I know Liz has had it. "You know what? You can just go get your hair cut somewhere else!"
Time to grovel. "No, Liz, I'm just kidding with you"
Silence. Several minute pass. Crickets churp. Storm clouds move through her living room. I even saw a tumbleweed pass.
Timidly I say, "So can you still cut my hair?"
About ten minutes later, my head has an even 1/8 inch of hair on it.
I love my sisters. They put up with a lot of my shit.
January 28, 2004
The King of Icicles Is My Neighbor
I've been watching this giant bastard grow more and more everyday since the "Great Power Outage of 2003" as I'm calling it now. Look at that sucker! Its girth is probably eight inches at its girthiest. My guess is that it is somewhere between 5.5 and 6 feet in length. For those of you not from the snowy regions I call "Hell on Earth," that is one freakin' huge icicle! I'm hoping it reaches the ground and we have a full-fledged ice pillar. Right now its less than two feet from the ground.
His kingdom is on the back eve(?) of the 4-plex that I live in. In more than one occasion my inner five-year-old wanted to go break it off in its initial princely stages and use it as a giant ice light-sabre. But for some reason, I held back.
I became one of the Ice King Paparazzi, basking in His Icy Liege's radiant glow. Thus here's two more pictures for those of you who, like me, are starstruck by ice. I think I'll call him Larry.
P.S. Sorry for my lack of posting recently. My life has been drip, drip, dripping away like water down Larry in the afternoon. The only bright spot I have to report is my new goal, which I will explain in my next post.
January 21, 2004
Mud Monster
That's me, on the right. I don't know how old I was in this picture, but I ran across it at my mom's house last weekend and brought it to work to scan it. It's pretty funny, huh?
I think this one is going on my about page.
December 10, 2003
Bad Habit
I have a bad habit.
Well, actually, I have more than one. But just one that I'd like to talk about right now.
Sometimes, I really don't want to talk to somebody, but I need to talk to them. Make sense? So what do I do? I call them during a time when I know they won't be home/at work/available, etc.
I have been doing this for years and years and somehow, I've managed to get away with it unscathed. Of course, I had the occasional run-in where I was calling one of my four sisters whom I thought was busy, but received a pick-up. Its at these times when my childhood/adolescent stuttering/can't get my thoughts together kicks in. I sound really stupid, thus, hilarity ensues. I typically just tell them I wasn't prepared to have a conversation with them as I assumed they wouldn't be available and just wanted to leave a message for them to return at their convenience. This usually prompts some derision from the other end of the line. Like I said, no big deal between friends.
Not so, at the workplace. Yesterday, working late, I decided it would be a good time to call a principal. Assuming that he wouldn't be there, I was going to leave a fairly detailed message about one of his more "high-maintenance" teachers. It was already going to be a touchy situation, so my mind was preoccupied with getting my thoughts together, when all of a sudden, he picks up.
"Hello," he says.
*crickets chirping*
"Hello," he repeats.
*a tumbleweed blows through my office*
"Think quick. Think quick, you idiot." My inner 5-year-old coming out to mock me at exactly the wrong time.
Being flustered and forgetting we have caller-ID on our office phones, I hung up.
Fully anticipating it, I had a message waiting for me this morning when I sat down at my desk. I'll let you know how it goes when I get the balls to call him back.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, so fess up all you. Leave a comment letting me know when/if doing this has backfired on you.
December 04, 2003
Workplace Remarks
- » I am the thinnest person in my department. The scary thing is, I am a man and I'm taller. I think I should weigh more than them. Yet, every other person is overweight. This is somewhat interesting to me. I hope it doesn't happen to me after 20 years of employment here.
- » I drink far too much coffee. I started drinking coffee everyday this summer when I was working 12's and needed it to do my work. You programmers out there know what I'm talking about. I don't think I could have ever gotten through my CS classes without a goodly amount of the black stuff.
- » Our departmental secretary has gotten into the bad habit of wearing workout clothes to work at least a couple of days a week. You know the kind. The top matches the bottom and it makes that annoying swoosh sound with every step she takes. I know she does it for the comfort, not because she went jogging before work (See above).
- » When I am sick of hearing office noises, i.e. phones, typing, copiers, and of course people not working, I pop in my earbuds to my iPod to drown them out. I have done this in previous jobs, but it wasn't always for the same reason.
- » This time of year, I have a hard time concentrating, no matter how much work I have. No, its not Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the plethora of days off I'll have coming up. Alas, Lord of the Rings has got me by the balls. I already have tickets to the 12:01 show, and will be leaving work early that Friday to attend an afternoon showing with the entirety of the IT Department. What a geek!
- » As, I've stated before, I'm the webmaster of a school district. For some reason, I have been placed in the Library Media Department. Thus, I call the old ladies I work with "The Librarians."
- » The "Librarian" I share an office with is a really sweet lady. She smells like vinegar.
November 25, 2003
My Morning Ritual
I awoke today barely daring to edge my nose out of the warm cocoon of slumber to peer out into the cold starkness of wintry morning. For today was going to be "one of those days," where my sleep was so comforting, so captivating, so utterly nice, that I felt like a prisoner in the bed of my own making (pun thoroughly intended).
After several minutes of debating with the stubborn five-year-old in my mind, I managed to tear myself away, as a toddler would a Band-Aid on a skinned knee.
"Buuurrrrrrhhh! So . . . cold," I thought, teeth chattering. I stood frozen, perched just off my bed, as if Medusa herself had sidled her way into my room in the middle of the night and tempted me look into her poisoned eyes.
"Nope. Too cold. Back in bed," fragmenting every sentence to convince myself it would be mortally wounding to step beyond the friendly confines of my perfectly temperate comforter.
I lay there once again in pillow-topped heaven for, what seems like hours, but in reality was only a couple of minutes, before I realize that right now is the cut-off time for tardiness.
"Damn you," the five-year-old yells at the adult me, "don't make me get up."
"That bastard has the worst mouth," I think to myself as I drag him kicking and screaming out of my bed. "I've really got to do something about it."
A few minutes later, standing in my kitchen wearing only my Buzz Lightyear oversized slippers and boxer-briefs, eating my Fruity Pebbles, I realize I've got to get rid of the five-year-old inside my head. And I don't mean stop listening or talking to, or even the play-wrestling; I mean kill him. He's trying to control my life.
November 19, 2003
The New Lady In My Life i.e. My New Computer
I've been waiting for this day since October 31. You see, I mail-ordered my new girlfriend. And boy, oh boy, is she hot!
But today is a grand day, for my new girlfriend has arrived.
I've decided to call her my girlfriend for a couple of reasons. First, the way things have been going the last few months, I don't think I have any other prospects. Second, don't expect to see me without her. For she is my love and thus, I must take her wherever I go.
Do you remember how men and boys alike, would name their cars or their baseball bats or their guns. Well, I figure since this is the 21st century I should name my laptop.
Here's where you come in; I need help with said name. I've had some bad luck with names that have a "Long E" in them. So I know what to stay away from. I'd hate to come home one night and find my new lady in flagrante delicto with some other schmoe.
I'm open to any and all suggestions, so if you wouldn't mind. Please leave me a comment with any ideas you may have. It could be your own name, one of your favorite girlfriends' names, a funny name, any really pretty names that you'd like to name your future daughter, wives, heck, I'll even taken ex-wives (just keep it clean!).
Also, she and I are registered at Neiman-Marcus, The Sharper Image, and, of course, Target. Don't worry, no gift is too small.
November 14, 2003
"Piece of Shit Car"
My neighbor has a hideous vehicle.
I don't even know what kind of vehicle it is. I would assume its an early 80's Chevy or GM "Whale-Car."
It doesn't have any insignia on it. In fact they probably took all of it off when they were spray-painting it this horrendous color (hex. #0033CC).
I'll add a picture later for your "enjoyment."
By the way, can anybody tell me where I got the title for this post?
November 12, 2003
Christensen Web Dev Tape Hits 'Net
The internet is not so friendly to one of its own, of late.
Despite threats of legal action by his parents, links to bootleg copies of the vixen's steamy "web development" tape sprouted like fungus all over the fertile ground of the World Wide Web Tuesday.
The tape, reportedly shot three years ago, when Christensen was a barely-legal 22, is a grainy, night-vision glimpse into a session of keyboard frolicking between he and then-friend Bill Gates. The version making the rounds online is purportedly an excerpt of a much longer video.
When rumors of the tape first surfaced, Christensen denied its existence, calling Gates "a complete liar and scumbag" in New York magazine, but he was later forced to backpedal after it become obvious that the video was all too real.
The Christensen publicity machine kicked into high-gear last week in a frantic attempt to de-tarnish Neil's already besmirched rep and to strike guilt into the hearts of those who would circulate the tawdry footage.
"The Christensen family is greatly saddened at how low human beings will stoop to exploit their son, Neil, who is sweet-natured, for their own self-promotion as well as profit motives," read a statement released by the family.
However, lawyers for Gates say that he has nothing to do with the video's release, and that he is even threatening to sue the Christensens for defamation for claiming that he took advantage of a definitely-not-camera-shy Neil.
Both the Christensens and Gates are reportedly trying to stop a Seattle Internet company from hawking the full-length video of the ribard romp on its own website.
November 12, 2003
I'm CrAzY-WeBsItE-GuY
If you want to see your daughter again, make sure you read this ransom note carefully.
From CrAzY SyTeS and Jeremy Keith.
November 12, 2003
Vindictive Designers and Logos
I'm going to see a hockey game tonight. I'm not a huge hockey fan, but I love attending any sporting event. I have an inside contact at the company who designed the logo for our local team. From what I am told, the actual designer of the logo was fired immediately after finishing the design.
In a moment of vindictive wrath, he made a genital . . . i mean, gentle change to the tongue of the grizzly bear design that you see above. Look closely. Its there.
The funny thing is that nobody notices this "deformity" in the tongue of this poor bear. It cracks me up everytime I see it because people proudly display it in car windows, on jackets, t-shirts, etc. I see it everywhere.
This reminds me of another urban legend of the animator for Disney who was fired shortly before finishing his design for the poster of the Little Mermaid. Apparently, he decided to make similar alterations to some pillars on a castle. This, too, made it to print.
What do we learn from this? Graphic designers can be dangerous when fired. Before you know it, they'll be drawing genitals on everything they can get their hands on. No pun intended.
November 10, 2003
Strange Scarlett Searches
An interesting phenomena is happening. Over a week ago, I wrote a little thing about how much I enjoyed Scarlett Johannson's lips . . . I mean, performance in Lost In Translation. But now, I'm getting several hits a day from Google for people searching for Scarlett Johannson.
So many in fact, that I'm now the #6 result. Number SIX! Pretty funny huh? The searches aren't just coming from the US. I've gotten some from Google UK, Google Thailand, and Google Canada.
I've gone international folks!
October 30, 2003
Safe For Republicans Ages 8 and Up
Awhile back, some friends played a practical joke on a co-worker who was, apparently, a huge republican and, thus, a George Dubya Fan. You see, they stole his talking W doll and pretended to hold it ransom. They took a digital picture of this George Bush doll posed as if being held by captives. But before they delivered this ransom note, I doctored it up a bit. This was the end result.
October 29, 2003
Illustrated Catalog of Acme Products
This is awesome! My favorite has got to be the Female Road Runner Costume.